Unconditional Love – Chayei Sarah
I am writing this shiur only after serious deliberation, because it deals with a very controversial subject and the chances of drawing flak as a result are almost inescapable. However, I believe that one should have the courage to speak the truth, regardless of whether it is politically correct or not.
In last week’s parsha, we read about Akeidat Yitzchak and in this week’s parsha we read about Yitzchak’s marriage to Rivka.
How old was Yitzchak when the Akeida took place? There is a machloket in the Mefarshim, but most, including Rashi (בראשית כה, כ), say that he was 37 years old. In all those 37 years, Avraham never tried to find a wife for his son. Only after the Akeida and after Sarah died, did he send Eliezer to חרן to seek a suitable wife for Yitzchak. The question is why?
The Zohar Hakadosh (יתרו, קלד) and subsequent Mefarshim (אור החיים, בראשית יח, י; שם משמואל, שם; ר' צדוק ועוד) explain that Yitzchak was born בעלמא דנוקבא, which according to the Zohar means that the neshama of Chava was מתגלגל in Yitzchak, he was born with a female neshama and subsequently could not bear children. The Ben Ish Chai (דרשות, תולדות) says that this is why the passuk says –
"והנה בן לשרה אשתך", שייחסו לשרה הנקבה ולא לאברהם שהוא דכורא (זכר) ולכן לא היה ראוי להוליד.
The Ben Ish Chai goes on to say that in fact Yitzchak died during the Akeida and was reborn, this time with a male neshama and the ability to bear children.
Male neshama? Female neshama? To understand what is going on we need to backtrack a little to בריאת העולם. The Midrash (בראשית רבה, פרשה ח', פסקה א) says –
"אמר רבי ירמיה בן אלעזר בשעה שברא הקב"ה את אדם הראשון אנדרוגינוס בראו הדא הוא דכתיב זכר ונקבה בראם א"ר שמואל בר נחמן בשעה שברא הקב"ה את אדם הראשון דו פרצופים בראו ונסרו ועשאו גביים גב לכאן וגב לכאן”.
HKB”H first created Adam Harishon as a hermaphrodite organism, having both male and female organs of reproduction in one body. Only later, after naming all the other living creatures, seeing that they were distinct, one male, one female, did Adam realize that he “lacked” a mate. Subsequently, HKB”H separated Adam into two distinct organisms, one male and one female.
And so it is today, thousands of years later - on a physiological level, every human being possesses two sets of hormones, male hormones (e.g. testosterone) and female hormones (e.g. estrogen). In males the male hormones are dominant and in females the female hormones are dominant, but both are present in males and females.
This allows for wide variation, depending on the ratio of the male to female hormones in a person’s biochemistry. You therefore have males who are more “masculine” as their testosterone levels are higher, or males who are more “effeminate”, as their estrogen levels are higher (similarly in females). When someone’s hormonal level is extremely out of balance, this can result in growth and developmental issues, affecting the reproductive organs.
When Rivka encountered Yitzchak for the first time, she said to Eliezer “מי האיש הלזה ההלך בשדה לקראתנו”. The Ben Ish Chai says that the letters yud and vav symbolize the male, while the letter heh symbolizes the female. They are both combined in HKB”H’s name yud keh vav keh. When Rivka first saw Yitzchak, she saw beruach hakodesh, how he first was when he was born to Sarah, בעלמא דנוקבא, and this is why she said הלזה, because she feared that if Yitzchak was still בעלמא דנוקבא that they would not be able to bear children. Eliezer replied הוא אדוני, ending with a yud. “Yes, that is how he was born, but HKB”H performed a great miracle at the Akeida and he is now בעלמא דכורא and capable of having children”. That is when Rivka accepted that this was an appropriate “shidduch” and covered her head with the צעיף.
When speaking about the Akeida, many consider it a “brutal” test of faith. However, if you examine it in light of the above, it was actually an enormous chessed that Hashem did with Avraham, because if Yitzchak had not been reborn on the מזבח, he would have never been able to have children and the dynasty of Avraham would have ended there. כל מאן דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד. We may not perceive this at the time of being tested, but we are required to have the emunah that it is so, as Avraham did.
In our modern, “progressive”, “liberalist”, “pluralistic” society, we are confronted with worrying trends, one of which is the attitude towards homosexuality, so called “homophobia” and “gay rights”.
It is unfortunate that these neutral terms (progressive / liberalist / pluralistic / gay etc.) have become perverted and exclusively stereotyped and associated with such movements, because in essence they reflect admirable qualities, qualities of a ben/bat Torah. Someone who is a ben/bat Torah is “progressive”, (examining modern realities such as electricity, internet, etc.in the prism of Halacha), “liberalist” (הוי דן כל אדם לכף זכות), “pluralistic” (ואהבת לרעך כמוך) and “gay” (עבדו את ה' בשמחה). Just last week, the copyeditor of my new book The Jewish Bread Bible (due for publication mid-2022,b”H) pointed out the use of one of these words in the book and expressed concern that it may have misleading connotations. I had to change it. That is sad, but it is the reality we live in.
While our “modern society” would like us to believe that the reality of homosexuality is a “modern issue”, nothing could be further from the truth. Thousands of years ago these issues were just as relevant as they are today and were abundantly addressed by Chazal in the Talmud and later in the Mefarshim. Chazal already back then came to grips with the reality that some people do not sit solidly in the center of the bell curve and do not conform to the “norm”. There are expansive discourses and piskei halacha in such cases, regarding עדות, עבודה במקדש, etc.
“Modern society” seeks to abolish “antiquated ideas” that are “no longer relevant” and remake civilization in “their image”, or their perception of what is right and wrong. Davka because of this, it is paramount to understand what the Torah regards as right and wrong and why it has no bearing on which generation we are living in - the principles are timeless and eternal.
The Torah does not forbid a man to love a man (or a woman to love a woman), quite the opposite. One of the fundamental principles of the Torah is ואהבת לרעך כמוך. It doesn’t use the term וחיבבת, it says ואהבת! When Chazal want to bring an example of unconditional love, they don’t cite Avraham’s love for Sarah, Yaakov’s love for Rachel, David’s love for Bat Sheva. Who do they bring as the shining example of unconditional love? –
איזו היא אהבה .... שאינה תלויה בדבר, זו אהבת דוד ויהונתן. (אבות ה, טז).
It is possible, even admirable for a man to develop an intimate relationship with another man (or a woman with a woman), a relationship where the two are bonded in their neshama.
Let us examine David Hamelech, the subject under discussion.
Who was David? Was he a macho jock, a quarterback on the Israelite football team? No, David was this “nebische” redhead, freckled kid who lived out in the field tending sheep and in his spare time composing poetry and playing the harp! Does that sound like the kind of guy you want to send out to battle Goliath? And lo and behold, this quiet, “effeminate” kid has more true grit than the greatest of Shaul’s warriors, defeats the undefeatable giant and becomes the greatest leader our nation has ever known!
What does this mean? It means that to be someone on the stature of David Hamelech, a high level of testosterone is not a prerequisite, in fact the opposite. It is doubtful that someone with a high level of testosterone could ever have composed the most sublime poetry and praises to G-d ever in history. Even today, if you examine who is drawn to the world of music and poetry, it is those “nebische” people with the gentle, even “effeminate”, neshama.
David’s relationship with Yehonatan was a deep, loving relationship, a bonding of neshamot and even physical contact. When they parted after Shaul sentenced David to death and he had to flee, there was lots of hugging and kissing.
But that is where it ended. It was not a sexual relationship. This is where the Torah draws the line - at sexual relations between members of the same gender.
Why is that?
So the most obvious answer is – we do not need to know why. The Torah commanded us and that is sufficient, no questions asked! However we have a hint to the reason in the first perek of Breishit.
What was the first command mankind received after being created? פרו ורבו. This is the fundamental essence of being human, that you are partners with G-d in the creation of life! Just as three partners were participant in your creation, HKB”H, your father and your mother, so each and every one of us is obligated to perpetuate that לקיים את העולם. Only HKB”H can create life and He designed it with these three partners in mind. Biologically there is no other way the process can take place. It doesn’t matter how many operations you have, what you chop off and what you stick where. Mankind will never be able to create life in any way other than that which HKB”H designed.
Since the first directive we as a species received from G-d was קיום העולם, the reason for the above issur becomes clear - because sexual relationships of that kind can never result in perpetuation of the species. The only purpose they can serve is fleeting pleasure. This is why the Torah regards them as a תועבה. They are an abomination to the very premise upon which the world was created.
This does not discount the fact that some people are predisposed to same gender relationships. The reasons for that are never simplistic. It is not a simple issue of hormonal regulation, there are usually psychological and environmental factors involved as well. Some people are just naturally drawn to members of the same gender, for whatever reason. The question is what you do with such tendencies and how far you take them. If taken as far as David and Yehonatan - that is acceptable, even exemplary - the model of unconditional love. But if you exceed those boundaries, it becomes an abomination.
There is not one human being on this earth that is born without challenges. We all have to constantly wage war with our yetzer harah and control our natural tendencies. Some people are predisposed to anger, violence, greed, self-deprecation, overt sexuality, etc. and our purpose in life is to learn to control these tendencies and to leverage them to achieve things that are not possible without them. We must transform them from a liability into a catalyst.
This is one of the lessons of the Lechem Hapanim (from my sefer מאיר פנים). The Lechem Hapanim is a matza, it cannot include chametz. On the other hand, without fermentation there is no biological way that it can attain the defined dimensions in the Mishnah. So how do you resolve that paradox? You find a way to ferment bread that does not make it chametz. In other words, you take very thing that seems to be a “liability” and you leverage it to achieve results that are impossible without using that “liability”. And this is achieved in only one way – by closely and unwaveringly adhering to the laws of the Torah.
First and foremost we must abide by the Torah and accept that whatever challenges HKB”H gives us, they are for our benefit. They give us purpose and make us into better people.
The fact that we are forbidden by the Torah to engage in same gender sexual relations is inflexible. There is NO way to get around it. The fact that we are commanded by the Torah to procreate and have children is inflexible. There is NO way to get around it. If a couple has difficulty bearing children, no avenue must be left unexplored, fertility treatment, constantly davening to HKB”H for ישועה, etc. We never know when that ישועה may come and how long it may take. Avraham and Sarah gave birth to Yitzchak when they were over 90! We must do our hishtadlut and HKB”H will do the rest. The Mefarshim say that often it is the tzaddikim who are challenged with fertility issues, because HKB”H derives “pleasure” kivyachol from the prayers of tzaddikim. It was this way with all the Avot.
The Gemara (Brachot 10a) tells the story of king Chizkiyah who refused to have children, because he saw beruach hakodesh that the evil Menasheh was destined to be born from him. Yishayahu Hanavi severely reprimanded him saying “You do your part and leave the rest up to HKB”H”. You must do what the Torah commands and not interfere with G-d’s calculations.
Each person must deal with their own challenges and strive to triumph over them within the bounds of the Torah. HKB”H never gives anyone a challenge that they have no chance of overcoming. Same gender attraction is a serious challenge, but it is no more serious than other challenges people are tested with, health issues, emotional issues, loss of loved ones, etc.
Perhaps the greatest challenge to the Torah world in this regard, is not the “gay rights” movement and their fanatical agenda, but our attitudes to and handling of the individuals who face these challenges on a daily basis. Without condoning the “gay rights” movement in any way, I believe that part of their raison d'etre in the first place was reactionary to inadequate and inappropriate handling by us in the Torah world.
Pretending the problem does not exist is not going to make it go away. Chazal in the Gemara, never pretended it didn’t exist. They dealt with it on a very real level.
Dehumanizing and demonizing the human beings who grapple with these issues is not going to make the problem go away. By disproportionately demonizing this issur, way beyond other issurim that are equivalent and even more severe, we are perverting justice and distorting the Torah.
Just two examples - which is worse? Someone who drives on Shabbat vs. a homosexual having sexual relations? Someone who eats bread on Pesach (or eats on Yom Kippur) vs. a homosexual having sexual relations?
Driving on Shabbat and homosexual relations are equivalent – they are both punishable by סקילה. Not fasting on Yom Kippur (unless you have a medical reason) is worse than having homosexual relations, it is punishable by כרת.
How many fanatics do you see gunning down people driving in the streets on Shabbat? How many murders do you know of someone eating at a café in Tel Aviv on Yom Kippur? (not that I want to give anyone any ideas chas vechalila) Contrast this with the number of murders and attacks on homosexuals.
ALL the above עבירות are extremely serious and shouldn’t be condoned, but neither should be disproportionate demonization and fanaticism. This is not the way of the Torah.
Those who grapple with same gender issues are first and foremost – human beings and we must treat them at least with the dignity befitting a human being. Even if they are resha’im (most aren’t – they simply cannot help it), we are commanded to להחזיר את הרשעים בתשובה. This is done by unconditional love, between parent and child, between fellow Jews. We need to give them all the love and help we can to help them triumph over this challenge and live their lives according to the laws of the Torah. When you cast someone out, not only do you not change their ways, worse than that, you run the risk of creating a monster. The “monster” that is the “gay rights” movement today is fueled by people who society has shunned.
Yosef was shunned by his brothers and thrown in a pit to die. He spent many years of his life in a hell hole of an Egyptian prison and could easily have turned into such a monster. Instead, he overcame and channeled his energy to serving HKB”H and unconditionally loving his brothers, despite their initial animosity towards him.
David Hamelech, for the first 28 years of his life was shunned. His father and brothers considered him to be a ממזר and cast him out of their home to tend the sheep out in the field. David Hamelech could easily have turned into such a monster. Instead, he overcame and channeled his energy to serving HKB”H and unconditionally loving Am Yisrael. David Hamelech and Yehonatan are the epitome of unconditional love according to Chazal, a love that is acceptable and even admirable - within the bounds of the Torah.
It is interesting that both our Mashiach’s started out their lives being shunned. Perhaps the fact that they managed to overcome that made them Mashiach material.
But what about all those who did not, all the neshamot lost because of inadequate and inappropriate handling, lack of love and absence of basic human dignity. We, the Torah world, need to do cheshbon nefesh and start working to stem the flow of these lost neshamot. It is doubtful whether we can repair the “monster”, but we can at least start working to prevent more souls from turning into it.
Yitzchak had סייעתא דשמיא in the Akeida that transformed him from עולם הנוקבא to עולם דכורא. It was nothing short of a miracle. For anyone faced with these issues today, such miracles are still possible and can be realized, not through coercion and forced medication, but through unconditional love and support, from a parent to a child, from sibling to sibling and from one Jew to their fellow Jew.
